Suppose a man has the desire to talk to an attractive woman at a bar. But he doesnt approach her because he feels nervous and fearful of being rejected by her or treated as if hes annoying her. He experiences a feeling of lack, the feeling that he lacking something he needs to deal with this situation! What does he need? He needs to feel more relaxed and confident so he can approach the woman, and feel ok about himself if hes rejected or turn down by her! (He may only be vaguely aware or not aware at all, that this is what he needs!)
What can he do to cope with his feelings of nervousness and fear? He could just avoid approaching the woman altogether (which still wouldnt get him what he needs). Instead he starts to drink alcohol until the intensity of his feelings have altered to the point, that he feels less fearful and a chemically induced sense of self-confidence! Now he can approach the woman. If she rejects him he can say he doesnt care or that shes a bitch or a dike or anything that will allow him to still feel ok about himself!
He engages in this behavior every time this situation arises until it becomes an addictive behavior pattern! Now he cant approach an attractive female at a bar or a party unless hes buzzed up or drunk! Instead of learning how to become more confident about himself and independent of whether a particular female rejects him or not, Hes learned to substitute an addiction for the fulfillment of his real needs! This is one example of how that process may take place!
Another example!
A 20-year-old female who stills lives at home with mom and dad. Mom and dad are overly protective and dont allow her much room for expressing her individuality or any feelings of anger or frustration she may be feeling! She goes along with just about whatever they want, because since she was a child, shes always gotten strokes for being a good girl (obedient) and not causing many problems for mom and dad.
But since she entered adolescence shes been feeling more like she needs her own space, her own identity! But out of respect for her parents and to avoid feelings of guilt she doesnt verbalize her feelings. She keeps them inside ---------- She feels more and more frustrated! Her continual feelings of frustration turn to anger then resentment! As the frustration and anger build up, she feels more anxious and fearful that she may explode in a fit of rage towards mom and dad, one of these days!
What need isnt shes fulfilling? The need to be more emotionally independent of her parents influence, so she can feel ok about verbalizing her feelings instead of bottling them up inside herself! But instead of learning to fulfill that need she binges on alcohol instead! She experiences a chemically induced sense of confidence and more in touch with her feelings!
One day while shes intoxicated her pent up feelings unexpectedly spew out at mom and dad! The whole back load of anger, frustration and resentment shes been carrying comes pouring out and she feels a sense of relief and satisfaction! But when she sobers up and realizes what shes done, she feels guilt and embarrassment! She begs her parents for forgiveness! And swears shell never do that again!
So she starts to more intensely bottle up her anger and frustrations again! To experience some relief from the pressure and anxiety of holding in her feelings, she gradually starts secretly drinking and the process resumes and repeats its self again! Each time she repeats this process, the pressure and anxiety of bottling up her feelings becomes greater and greater! She drinks more and more frequently! Now the only time she feels normal, like she can be herself, like she can verbalize her feelings, is when she buzzed up or drunk!
I think thats preponderance of the evidence that her behavior is a substitute for the fulfillment of her true needs! What do you think?
May the light never cease to lighten you minds!
Copyright 2006 El-Veasey Publishing Inc.
El Veasey holds Ph.Ds in counseling, political critiques and psycho-social commentary from the University Of Hard-knocks Ghetto Town, USA.
Blog1: http://el-veasey.blogspot.com
Blog2: http://lveasey.blogspot.com
Website: http://www.blackmerda.com
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